What is the universe trying to teach me?

I've dealt with many challenges in my 25 years of life, and I don't doubt for a second I will face many more in my next 25 years, but I struggle to find out what lessons I am suppose to learn from the last three weeks. Three weeks.. Three.. Long.. Painful weeks.. At the end of last month my boyfriend lost his father suddenly, and witnessing him and his wonderful family deal with that life altering pain, as well as figuring out my own grief in the process (although that was the very least of my concerns) was extraordinarily hard. I thought that weight was enough for my boyfriend and I to carry for a long time.. fast forward to a few weeks later, two days ago.. I think.. Maybe three? I've been feeling so isolated I haven't even paid any attention to time. However many days ago, I lost one of the most precious things in my life. My dog, Ralphie. Everyone tells me losing an animal is hard. "They're like a member of the family, of course it's upsetting!" They tell me attempting to give me comfort. But they don't know me. They don't know how few things make me genuinely happy, and truly light up my life on a consistent basis. They don't know that I don't think of my animals like family, my animals are my family. I feel no desire for human children in the foreseeable future, I feel like thats what my animals are. I truly do. I mean no offense to the mothers who have actual human children, and I'm not trying to compare my cat Ragnar, who shits in a box of powdered chemicals or my dearly departed dog Ralph who spent hours on end licking peanut butter out of a cheap rubber tube, to your precious human angels. I'm simply saying FOR MYSELF personally, I felt that these fur babies were my motivation to do better in life. I enjoy nurturing them, cuddling them, baby talking them, disciplining them, as a mother would for her children. I say all that to really emphasize how devastating these past few days have been for my boyfriend and myself. I will spare the details of the horrific and traumatizing last hours he spent on this earth, but it's safe to say those images will burn in my mind forever. It was the hardest day I have ever faced, and I don't wish the ache in my heart on my worst enemy. I am constantly trying to decipher the why in any situation in my life, but I am yet to crack the code on these few weeks. I don't know if I will ever quite understand why our lives were attacked so abruptly, all I can do is try to create a path forward for my family. What caught me off guard was the overwhelming loneliness I have felt, and continue to feel even as the tears fall onto my keyboard writing this. I have support, I have amazing family and friends who have shared kind words that have helped me progress immensely. Yet I still feel empty, and I don't think that hole in my heart will ever really heal. All I can do is plant a few seeds in the empty space, and wait for a garden to grow over the pain.

Ralph and I

#lifelessons #diary #words #Animals #losingapet #dog #grieving